Heartbreak

Yesterday I got messages from friends inquiring about my disastrous state. I also got loads of inspirational messages meant to help me deal with my current predicament. Thanks, guys. You just don’t know how good it felt to read your messages. I was moved beyond words. I feel so truly blessed to have friends like you whose care, sincerity, and understanding are unparalleled. And you know I need not name you here because this is a personal blog, not a newspaper’s ad page, and it’s better for you to remain anonymous to most of my other readers. I guess.

Well, it’s been a week, yes. And it’s been quite difficult. As in death, nothing prepares a person for the misery entailed by a heartbreak. Nothing prepares anyone for the emotional roller-coaster that goes with it. Sometimes I feel vindictive, almost spiteful. At times I just feel so depressed because I realize I still long to be with the person. But mostly, I feel like floating in midair, as if suspended in my own pool of emotional discotheque.

But what the hell is this thing called heartbreak? And why is it such a big deal? Oh, and why not?

Heartbreak is a crippling experience that can leave anyone ineffective, depressed, unhappy and miserable. It incapacitates a person way beyond his/her control. According to Wikipedia (I can't believe they have an entire entry about it.), heartbreak is associated with losing a loved one, and the phrase refers to the pain that a person feels in his/her chest resulting from the loss. Such incidents trigger the human brain to distribute chemicals that were found to weaken the heart and the tissues surrounding it. Whoa. Scary, isn't it? In a related article published by the Washington Post, scientists have found that a person can die of a broken heart. Read the article here.

The articles scare me, but while I am afloat in misery and wallowing, I know that to recover and heal from it will take time. Surely. But no matter how long it takes, I will, because I have to. It’s a difficult process that I will have to go through regardless of whatever else transpires in the world now, because heartbreak is not an illness that a single pill can cure. Though I wish there is a cure to it. And like love, it’s a state of being, a different consciousness. But only transitory, only momentary; nothing that should be permanent, or I will be isolating myself from the rest of the world. That sounds oh-so pitiful.

Oh yes, it’s been a week. And yes, there will be another week. And there will be more weeks to come by. And when those weeks come, I am not floating anymore. When those weeks come, I will be on my feet already, facing the world again with conviction, fervor and zeal.

Why, come to think of it, now that I am alone again, I will have more time to spend in the flat, I will have more time to read, write, watch movies, paint, sketch… Ahead are more weeks of solitude and silence, but I suddenly realized I want just that. I welcome solitude and silence as my new companions now. They are my Sputniks, as Sumire was to Miu, as Miu was to Sumire.

As what Mahatma Gandhi once said, “in the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness.” See?

Among the messages I got, one stood out, and it's from my friend Michael who knew how my new relationship started and understood the depth of my feelings for the other person. He said that he's scared this heartbreak will turn me into a cynic now. Oh. Funny, but I never thought of it that way. Cynicism? Nah. I do not believe in being that.

One person will not change my mind, one affair will not change my heart.

Life goes on, and my world will not stop because I lost her.

I'll bounce back. You'll see.