Aspirational

My writing has been suffering for some time now. And it’s sad that I have deliberately avoided it and all other literary works: no poems, no short stories, not even a decent piece of short prose. My novel suffered tremendously; as I lost the appetite to do the one thing I loved doing the most.

But why, oh why?

Because. I got stuck in the intricacies of a complicated thing called heartbreak, and its even more complicated sibling, which is moving on.

Over Sunday’s brunch, B told me I needed to get out of my rut, to cheer up, to move on! Oh. For the first time in our short life together B, I hated you for telling me that.

I hated you because you made it sound like I wanted to be stuck in that rut and wallow and swim in self-pity. I hated you because you made me feel so dumb that I couldn’t find my way out of this maze. But you know what, B? If only I kept away from people like you and her, then I wouldn’t be this heartbroken. Didn’t you know that?

How could I even begin to move on? Getting by is difficult enough. *Sigh.* If only I didn’t love her that much…

Oh, well. I read somewhere about a list of things to do (and not to do) to survive a heartbreak and learn to move on. Whoa. The writer called it a gameplan. A gameplan?!? Wtf! What’s with you, people?!? Is that it? To survive a heartbreak in this time and age, one needs a gameplan? Jesus Christ.

B argues that I am slowly becoming cynical. Well, maybe I am. Maybe I want to be one. Maybe.

Tell me, B. How do I take away the good memories? Is it as easy as shoving it back to the farthest place in my mind? How do I forget? How do I forget that once again, I’ve been had by someone I trusted and loved deeply?

Oh, maybe in time, I will. Maybe in time, I will forget as new memories are added on into my database of a brain. Maybe in time, I will learn to let go as I acquire new knowledge, experiences, information. But right now, barely a month after quitting her, let me be heartbroken. Let me be how I should be.

You see, B, moving on is only aspirational. It’s not real.

Not at all.

Wound Me Not, Hurt Me Not

Please...

Unexpected

I didn't expect this, B.



But it doesn't matter anymore, right? Those trivial, insignificant, unimportant tinges of life's cruelty. Yes, it doesn't really matter at all.



For what is important is now, this moment... Not the one before, not what has transpired, but now...



My life began with you, B. And it will go on with you...

July 22

Thanks, B.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

-----
[This is all for the meantime. I'm at the center of two twisters that I cannot even go home to personally greet Ma a Happy Birthday. Tsk. Oh, well... I love my job.]

My LSS Today

Hay. Ewan ko ba pero kanina umaga habang nagbibihis ako, nag-crave ako for some 'Christmasy' music. E di hanap ako sa aking collection. Hahaha.

Una, Gary V. Susme, nakakapagluksa naman ang pamaskong musika ng taong yun. Ayaw ko nga.

Pangalawa, Ray Coniff. Susme, biglang pakiramdam ko, 105 years old na ko. Ayaw ko nga din.

Pangatlo, APO! Aba. Masaya. Nakakapagpasaya. Yey!!! Tumama din sa wakas!

Are You Successful?

I just got back from my PCCI training where I had a blast. I'm not yet into the usual grind of things, and I do not plan to blog until next Monday, but my morning surfing brought me this:

To laugh often and much;

To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;

To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded.

Nice, eh? They said it's from Ralph Waldo Emerson, but others say it's not his at all. Oh, well. Anyway, it feels good to be back.

Getting By

After a spell you won't feel the ache
And you'll forget the corner you've been living in so long.

You'll breathe a sigh and see it's time to move along
Just a little stronger when the winter's gone.

~ When the Winter's Gone (Song for A Stranger); Words by Jennifer Warnes

Pitiful

Pardon my candor but I need to post this now, if only to mollify the throbbing ache I feel inside.

I was outside when I heard this song and felt it should be mine in the meantime. While I cry, while I weep, while I mourn... I thought I would be a little okay by now, and the pain becomes unnoticeable through time. But I was wrong.

Through time, the pain becomes unbearable. It's like a bright, blinding light; or a loud, deafening sound; or a sore, stinging wound.

Oh, hell. I don't understand the pain of heartbreak at all.

And here's the song playing in mind today, together with the others currently on the Heartbreak playlist.

The hardest thing I've ever done is keep believing
There's someone in this crazy world for me
The way that people come and go through temporary lives
My chance could come and I might never know

I used to say "No promises, let's keep it simple"
But freedom only helps you say goodbye
It took a while for me to learn that nothing comes for free
The price I paid is high enough for me

I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find

So here I am with pockets full of good intentions
But none of them will comfort me tonight
I'm wide awake at 4 a.m. without a friend in sight
I'm hanging on a hope but I'm all right

An Epiphany

Oh. And suddenly it's Friday again.

The second Friday.

For only today let me cry. For just this moment, do not stop me from crying. For just today...

For tomorrow when she's gone I will not cry anymore.

Bigti Song Numero Trés

And here's the third song from the 'Heartbreak' playlist blasting all day long in my iPod speakers: Evanescence's My Immortal.

Among the songs in the growing playlist, this exquisitely lamenting and haunting song is the only one to have moved me to tears in the recent weeks. Yes, the first time I heard it after the breakup, I actually wept. Oh, who wouldn't?

As Amy Lee's heart-wrenching vocals start to float in the air, I couldn't help but to own the song. To claim it as mine. To cry with the song. And feel it as it engulfs me. And in the middle part of it, I feel my soul grieving and that the tears flowing from my eyes are coming from my soul. By the end of it, my pain is unbearable. Ah, heartbreak.

If you thought I'm over it, then you're wrong. I will, eventually.

But not yet.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Drool

Remember this blog entry sometime in May? Well, my orders for leather sleeves from Chie Acosta of Creativille arrived in time, I just didn't have the chance to post any photos.

The sleeves were delivered promptly, and they came wrapped in beautifully crafted paper with a wax seal. How nice. My joy was indescribable when I saw the sleeves. When I slid my Moleskine into the sleeve's holder, ah, my joy was truly complete.

The sleeve was lovingly handcrafted by Chie Acosta, who got excited when I told her that the sleeves she will create will be commemorative for a special occasion. So she used two different types of leather to make the sleeves a unique set. The sleeve that Chie created for me is from darkly-tanned, very smooth leather. The other sleeve (which I cannot show because I gave it away already) is an exact opposite of the other, made of scuffed, lightly tanned leather with silver embellishments. Both sleeves have straps created from the same leather material.

Here's how my Moleskine fits into the leather sleeve.

And here's how it looks when it's tied with its strap:

Show Off

And now here's my sweet shottie number 65 from Beijing.

Back to Collecting

Because of the recent events in my life, I forgot about my other passion: collecting. Oh, I feel so guilty!

For my truck collection, I am not guilty here because I promised not to buy any until November after my purchase from Leo Sajonas last April. I do want to keep to my strict rule of one truck a month.

But for the others, I am just sooo guilty. I wasn't able to write more, or read as much. But I'm getting back to the groove. I'm reading again, and I'm writing again. Fortunately, I have friends who love to add stuff into my growing collections. A friend went to China in May and brought me the red notebook below, and another friend went to Japan last week and gave me my first taste of Midori with the Diamond Memo black notebook below. (Midori!!! I got Midori!!!)

Details here:

This notebook from China is sooo wonderfully beautiful. The cover is made of red silk cloth embroidered with Chinese characters and embellished with a charm made of jade. The inside pages are made of white unruled paper.

This Midori notebook is from Japan (where else?). The cover is plastic and the inside pages are ruled with green, tiny, dotted lines. So simple and yet so elegant.

I'm catching up, yes. I may be late for McDonald's Happy Meal's Kung Fu Panda, but I'll catch up. I will.

I'm going back to everything that my life used to be before April came along. I'm going back to how simple, spartan, and uncomplicated life used to be for me, after J and before L. It was indeed a very short period of time to be completely alone, but it also taught me so much that I am now longing for those days when I had no one but myself.

Awaken

The weekend went by in an instant: so fast, so swift, so quick.

I had two days by myself and off the world, and I spent them with my new mistresses. Two days. Two glorious days.

And suddenly, without a warning, as if waking up from a long dreamless sleep, I’m alone again, abandoned by my mistresses, bereft, desolate and forlorn. Oh.

It's Monday once again.

Happines Is... (Part 2)

Books!!! Yay!

Hala. I've loaded up on books. Some of them are from authors I have read before like Mitch Albom and Gabriel Garcia Marquez, and some from new authors I am curious about like Haruki Murakami. I plan to get some of James Patterson's new Alex Cross novels and the new ones of Patricia Cornwell with Kaye Scarpetta, but not until I get a taste of J.M. Coetzee and José Saramago first. I'm dying to have a copy of Baltasar and Blimunda...

But right now, let me enjoy these books on my reading table:

• The Five People You Meet in Heaven (Mitch Albom)
• For One More Day (Mitch Albom)
• King of Torts (John Grisham)
• The Broker (John Grisham)
• The Zahir (Paulo Coelho)
• The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
• Brida (Paulo Coelho)
• Angela's Ashes (Frank McCourt)
• The Weight of Water (Anita Shreve)

Happiness Is...

Notebooks. And pens. Lots of them.

I love notebooks. And pens. Aside from books, they are among the things that can easily put the smile back on my face on dark, difficult days. I don't know why, but notebooks have been my constant companions since I was a kid.

I was not even four when my dear Grandma gave me a composition notebook covered in something pink with little flowers, and a used pencil. That notebook was my first. And it taught me more than just doodling.

Nowadays, I have lots of notebooks at home, some used and filled while others are in various conditions of use. Some of them I want to keep unused. Lately, I found these thin, wire-bound notebooks and calligraphy pens while looking for my Meads.

Serendipity, what else will you bring me?

Heartbreak

Yesterday I got messages from friends inquiring about my disastrous state. I also got loads of inspirational messages meant to help me deal with my current predicament. Thanks, guys. You just don’t know how good it felt to read your messages. I was moved beyond words. I feel so truly blessed to have friends like you whose care, sincerity, and understanding are unparalleled. And you know I need not name you here because this is a personal blog, not a newspaper’s ad page, and it’s better for you to remain anonymous to most of my other readers. I guess.

Well, it’s been a week, yes. And it’s been quite difficult. As in death, nothing prepares a person for the misery entailed by a heartbreak. Nothing prepares anyone for the emotional roller-coaster that goes with it. Sometimes I feel vindictive, almost spiteful. At times I just feel so depressed because I realize I still long to be with the person. But mostly, I feel like floating in midair, as if suspended in my own pool of emotional discotheque.

But what the hell is this thing called heartbreak? And why is it such a big deal? Oh, and why not?

Heartbreak is a crippling experience that can leave anyone ineffective, depressed, unhappy and miserable. It incapacitates a person way beyond his/her control. According to Wikipedia (I can't believe they have an entire entry about it.), heartbreak is associated with losing a loved one, and the phrase refers to the pain that a person feels in his/her chest resulting from the loss. Such incidents trigger the human brain to distribute chemicals that were found to weaken the heart and the tissues surrounding it. Whoa. Scary, isn't it? In a related article published by the Washington Post, scientists have found that a person can die of a broken heart. Read the article here.

The articles scare me, but while I am afloat in misery and wallowing, I know that to recover and heal from it will take time. Surely. But no matter how long it takes, I will, because I have to. It’s a difficult process that I will have to go through regardless of whatever else transpires in the world now, because heartbreak is not an illness that a single pill can cure. Though I wish there is a cure to it. And like love, it’s a state of being, a different consciousness. But only transitory, only momentary; nothing that should be permanent, or I will be isolating myself from the rest of the world. That sounds oh-so pitiful.

Oh yes, it’s been a week. And yes, there will be another week. And there will be more weeks to come by. And when those weeks come, I am not floating anymore. When those weeks come, I will be on my feet already, facing the world again with conviction, fervor and zeal.

Why, come to think of it, now that I am alone again, I will have more time to spend in the flat, I will have more time to read, write, watch movies, paint, sketch… Ahead are more weeks of solitude and silence, but I suddenly realized I want just that. I welcome solitude and silence as my new companions now. They are my Sputniks, as Sumire was to Miu, as Miu was to Sumire.

As what Mahatma Gandhi once said, “in the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness.” See?

Among the messages I got, one stood out, and it's from my friend Michael who knew how my new relationship started and understood the depth of my feelings for the other person. He said that he's scared this heartbreak will turn me into a cynic now. Oh. Funny, but I never thought of it that way. Cynicism? Nah. I do not believe in being that.

One person will not change my mind, one affair will not change my heart.

Life goes on, and my world will not stop because I lost her.

I'll bounce back. You'll see.

Acquiescence

"The world is a changing place, there has to be someone who never changes."

~ Christina Crawford, Mommie Dearest

Bigti Song Numero Dos

And here's Bigti Song Number 2.

I was supposed to post Diana Krall’s ‘Why Should I Care’ today, but a friend’s message sent very early this morning reminded me of this extremely emotional Michael Jackson song: She’s Out of My Life. (Though this is Josh Groban's version.) This sad and haunting ballad was composed by Tom Bahler after Karen Carpenter broke up with him.

She’s Out of My Life is a short song, but its piercing meaning clearly describes the message: sadness, loss, and agony brought about by a break-up. The singer reaches out to the listener, to convey his despair, his frustration, his misery and desolation. It is said that Michael Jackson had to repeat recording the later part of the song because he was always in tears when he sings the word ‘life’.

Oh, heartbreak.

She's out of my life
She's out of my life
And I don't know whether to laugh or cry
I don't know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life

It's out of my hands
It's out of my hands
To think for two years she was here
And I took her for granted I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
She's out of my hands

So I've learned that love's not possession
And I've learned that love won't wait
Now I've learned that love needs expression
But I learned too late

She's out of my life
She's out of my life
Damned indecision and cursed pride
Kept my love for her locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life

Bigti Song Numero Uno

Yes, this heartbreak song is from James Blunt, the English singer and songwriter whose breakout hit single is 'You're Beautiful'. Goodbye My Lover is the fourth single in his debut album ‘Back to Bedlam’, and he wrote it with Sacha Skarbek. The song was, oddly recorded at a bathroom in Carrie Fisher’s home.

The words and piano loops on this music track give a truly heartrending poignancy about losing someone, an experience that most people have surely gone through at a point in their lives. James’ nasal falsetto in this track may sound distracting to some, but it compliments the unhurried tones that together convey a moving song that is sure to stir a listener’s emotions.

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.